Heartbreak.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201208/social-rejection-can-fuel-creativity

Heartbreak fuels the purest forms of creativity.  We discover new passions and rediscover old ones as we pick up the shattered pieces, allowing us to relearn how to love.  Despite this realization, what seems to be escaping many is that rejection and heartbreak isn't limited to, solely, the romantic aspect of our lives.  Our endurance of such things can be experienced in our platonic friendships, our feelings of isolation, our academic career, as well as our work life.  Is it simply that we overvalue our romantic relationships, in comparison with other important aspects of our life, when determining our overall happiness level?  

In our so-called modernity, we've grown to place an overwhelming amount of importance on our ability to create a family environment amongst our friends, as well as on the "individual" lives we create for ourselves.  Despite all of that, when we face rejection, or the possibility of impending heartbreak, in those areas of our lives we find it no where near as daunting as facing it romantically.  Does this mean we subconsciously undervalue these aspects of our lives?  It's incredibly contradictory how we allow these aspects to dominate our daily lives, allocating only a small portion of the twenty-four hours a day we live to romantic notions, but the emotional influence they hold over us is near insignificance.  It's almost as if we have begun to distrust the correlation between the things we believe will bring us success and things we believe will bring us happiness.  

Why cant they be one in the same?  Don't we have the ability to apply the same passionate energy, as we do to another single individual, to ourselves?  We've lost the concept of self-importance out of our need to be loved, our need to be accepted, and our fear of not having those things.  We've placed the fuel to our self-esteem outside of the self, not allowing self love and self-importance to serve that purpose.  We've devalued the idea of being comfortable with ourselves, not allowing it to serve as the primary factor in how we determine our self-esteem or our self-worth.  We've placed our cause of rejection and heartbreak within the hands of others.  In doing so we've lost control of our own emotional well-being and we're forced to suffer such heartbreak in order to relearn how to love ourselves. 

Lost in dependency.

What does it mean to be dependent?  It is defined as "the state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else."  It involves aspects of vulnerability and trust.  You have to be willing to let yourself go completely, open up all of yourself to someone, in order to allow yourself to be "dependent."  Society dictates to us that at some point or other, in our lives, creating some sort of dependency is necessary to feel fulfilled.  We are led to believe that forming reliant relationships upon others, whether platonic or romantic, will lead us to happiness.  What no one tells is us that this notion is a difficult one to grasp.  

How are we supposed to give others the benefit of the doubt?  How are we supposed to deposit one hundred percent of our trust, in someone else, from the get go?  Aren't people supposed to gain our trust, isn't that something that needs to be earned?  How are we supposed to know whether or not someone is trustworthy?  How is this supposed to be possible when, as adults, we often feel continually disappointed and let down by those in our lives?  How, when we've been betrayed in the past are we supposed to be willing to let our guard down around the new beings that come into our lives?  

How are we expected to do these things when we know we could end up hurt, again?

Allowing ourself to operate in such a manner that forces us to trust, create need, and implied dependency is frightening.  Why isn't it acceptable to operate solely as a lone wolf?  Why have we created such a need for exterior validation, formed through said trust, to enforce notions of happiness?  Since when hasn't it been enough to just be comfortable with ourselves as a means of creating this inner utopia, where we only need to be dependent upon our individual capacity?  We've grown to require this, often, frustrating dependency upon others to function coherently.  Why? I don't know.  How to fix, or grow out of, it? I don't know.  All I know is that this conceived lack of self-comfortability, and self-dependence, is terrifying and I want out.  All I want, again, is to trust myself, to be comfortable with myself, to depend on myself, and to find happiness - within myself.

I am...

I'm incapable of vulnerability, but I'm an open book.

I'm insecure, but I'm cockily confident.

I'm not conceited, but I'm too proud.

I'm tolerant, but I'm easily irritable.

I'm demanding, but I'm low maintenance. 

I'm headstrong to a fault, but I'm able of concession. 

I'm outwardly emotionless, but I'm inwardly sensitive.

I'm not a believer in love, but I'm a hopeless romantic.

I'm not overtly religious, but I have faith.

I'm honest and straightforward, but I actively avoid truths.

I'm desperate for the future, but I'm haunted by my past.

I'm a social butterfly, but I'm a lone wolf.

I'm full of worry and pain, but I'm momentarily carefree.

I'm lacking in focus, but I'm endlessly passionate.

I'm a product of countless disappointments, but I believe in goodness.

I'm cynical and pessimistic, but I'm hopeful.

I'm perpetually jaded, but I'm full of youthful exuberance.

I don't know who I am, but I like to think I might.  At 22 though, who really has any idea of who they are.  I hate the idea that college is the place where we're expected to "find ourselves," the period of time where we're supposed to figure it all out.  I spent all my years in college searching for myself.  The convoluted structure I maintained before college put such limitations on my ability to soul-search, that once I started I didn't really know where to begin.  I was an athlete, I had a complicated family dynamic, and I didn't know how to open up to anyone.  

Upon moving to Los Angeles and beginning the chapter in my life labeled as "the college years," I was no longer competing, my family had split apart, and I learned to open up - though only to a select few.  My life had suddenly changed in such a drastic way that everything I thought I knew about myself suddenly disappeared and I was left longing for some self-validation.  All I wanted was to know myself and all I felt was lost.  People, in their attempts of reassurance, kept telling me that college was the time I would pick up the pieces, develop new passions, and figure out my dreams, but what I remained ignorant of is that passions and dreams are ever-changing and in constant need of revisal.  Every day the things I want and feel could be different.  Every day I am a new person.  Never am I going to be the same as I was yesterday, nor will I be the same tomorrow as I am today.

I'm a walking oxymoron, but I make perfect sense.

I'm a work in progress.

I'm unfinished. 

enforced influence.

The dynamics of relationships, no matter the nature, are truly astounding at times.  With the age of technology and the continual accessibility we grant, of ourselves, to others we have grown to allow these, often, intrusive methods of communication to control our lives, the way we interpret words and actions, and affect the ever-changing dynamic of the relationships we form with people.  The most alarming realization is that we are forced to question whether or not such dynamics are truly shifting or if it is, merely, our interpretation driving the unbalance we may feel.  We view the unwavering bond most have with their various devices as  nothing unusual, but it seems as though we have begun to value such bonds over those we form with the people in our lives.  We argue that these things are necessary because they grant us this accessibility and the opportunity to keep in contact with a growing number of people from various stages in our lives.  Our devices allow us to expand our theoretical "circle," but as we increase, socially, in quantity do we concurrently decrease in quality?  Knowing that any person is a simple five second text or g-chat message away has become the silver lining on the advancements we've made as a society.  We take for granted the actual time we spend with people, our relationships become increasingly scrutinized and superficial, and we begin to undervalue those around us.  We've slowly come to replace the, what we thought were, life-altering bonds we made with our peers during our youth with poorly constructed, almost foundation-less relationships with people with whom we never truly make the effort to understand and know - without ever acknowledging the difference in true value these opposing forms of relationships may add to our lives.  Because of this we carry the weight of our "friends' " words and actions so heavily that we often allow them to drive the path of our relationships.  We often invent and imagine these shifts in relationship dynamics out of our induced need to be connected to someone, or something, at all times.  While we are constantly striving to build a strong foundation with these people, upon which we hope to create a genuinely meaningful bond, we never truly afford ourselves this opportunity as our relationships remain disconnectedly connected.  Albeit an oxymoron, we are now innately bred to keep ourselves at a safe distance emotionally, no matter the expectations that accompany the various types of relationships we will form, out of our fear of being vulnerable or getting hurt.

to be reliable is to be...

To be reliable, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary, is to be "consistently good in quality or performance" or having the ability "to be trusted."  Separating the two definitions, one could easily assess the first as being the more straightforward of the two.  To be "consistently good in quality or performance" one must demand the qualities of patience, tenacity, and passion from oneself.  The list of virtues is endless, but the true test of reliability, here, lies within the individual.  The true test is not of outwards reliability, whether or not said individual can perform upon demand, but of inwards reliability, whether or not said individual can dedicate - and rely - on his or herself in such a pressurized manner that others will, eventually, be comfortable in attributing such a quality to them.

Unlike the internal struggle the first definition represents, having the ability "to be trusted" is an issue of outwards reliability.  Though it is up to the individual to portray his or herself in a way that deems them accessible and trustworthy, they do so out of the selfish need to appear reliable to others - the need to securely know that they are "good."  Obtaining someones trust is the equivalent of being handed the key to unlocking someone's soul, it is a precious commodity and the slightest betrayal can forever take away that key and lock you out.  Once the art of appearing to be outwardly reliable is perfected one must tread carefully, as trust granted in one direction unknowingly grants that same trust to be built in the opposite - effectually causing any sort of betrayal to be larger in magnitude, as two souls will get burned rather than one.

The concepts of reliability and trust are tricky as many are terrified of the repercussions they may face should they place their faith with the "wrong" person, confirming the fear-based operating manner which most contrive their decisions from.  One shouldn't be fearful of repercussions, no matter their nature, because without such cause and effect life wouldn't really be worth living.  Being reliable and relying on others are factors of life which we cannot live without, because if we were to attempt to we would be left with nothing.  We would have no one to share the joy we encounter, no one to find comfort in when life slaps us in the face, and no one next to whom we can, merely, exist.  Reliability simply adds a fascinating level of intricacy to our daily lives, without which we would be bored, without which we would not truly experience anything as it is in our nature to be trusting, to rely.

the status quo.

As children, we're told to make the most out of our lives - but what does that really mean? We're encouraged to develop our passions and pursue our dreams, but as we grow we come to realize that passion, often, doesn't bring stability and that our dreams are not always tangible. As children our actions are formed by our curiosity and our emotions, we believe that it is possible for everyone to be happy - as we know no better. As adults our motivations shift, we operate out of fear - scared that who we are, what we do, or how we love wont, ever, be enough. We desperately seek the approval of our peers, start to think that happiness can be bought, and believe that money is the most important driving factor in our lives. Tirelessly, we will embark on our journey through adulthood attempting to satisfy all the societal expectations and pressure we impose on ourselves and others. We'll do things we never thought we would; we will betray, we will deceive, and we will hurt only to later justify our means with our ends. Wouldn't we rather live in a world where compassion and empathy surrounds us, where integrity is still valued, and our character - as society views it - is what defines us? I know I would.

How to be you

The general incapability of the individual to look outside oneself and towards the needs of others, to be selfless, to be considerate, and to be compassionate is a disheartening realization that once realized will rid the self of continual disappointment. Finding the true gems of society is truly an infuriating task, but is also the most fulfilling when you come across people that have such a warm, influential, and profound effect on your life. They serve as the inspiration to live an extraordinary life - filled with the joys of travel, unbelievable shenanigans, passionate endeavors, and pushing your own boundaries further than you ever believed that you could - they are the foundation upon which you find and know yourself.